Reality Check

I really fucking hate people who don’t make a single effort on actually doing future plans they bring up to you. Don’t say “We need to hang out soon!” or “Let’s do something next week.”; WHATEVER THE FUCK that involves the other person on actually looking forward to doing shit only to find out that they weren’t serious and make up bullshit excuses when you ask them to. It fucking pisses me off and makes me want to hate you, period. I’m not afraid to say that this applies to A LOT of you, I’ve never felt so angry, God damn.

Just constantly beating myself up, all the optimistic feelings and mentality, just gone now.

Throughout the day, all my friends and supposedly “friends” see me as the happy go lucky guy who doesn’t need anything else or has a single care for the world. That’s where they’re wrong, I’m the type of person who accumulates a lot of bullshit, stress, and loneliness covered up with a simple smile; nobody has a clue about the crap I think about at night that I end up looking back to earlier in the day.

Damn man, is it even worth coming back on here? I haven’t been on Tumblr in ages, but sometimes I feel like I’m in need of a place to type crap out…

It’s been months since I’ve been on Tumblr, this doesn’t mean that I’m thinking about coming back for good. I’m on Tumblr right now for one purpose — to express the events and emotions that’s been running through my mind; a collection of thoughts I can no longer bottle up. First and foremost, I want to tell my friends that I’m sorry… There are many occasions that I’ve poured so much negativity towards you guys. It can range from criticizing others for not being there when I need them, expecting too much from others and ending up on disappointing myself, feeling like I’m always the last option compared to everyone, just too many things for me to describe that none of you deserved. I guarantee you guys though that none of the things I did were for attention, attention is the last thing I would want to be satisfied. For quite sometime, I’ve been contemplating on why I’ve always had a repetitive life; I would constantly complain about how everything is the same, how I can’t stand how boring everything is, all that same stupid shit I constantly bring up… I realized that it’s nobody’s fault that I’m constantly in this situation, but rather my fault for not doing anything about in the first place. Maybe it’s a sign that I need to start thinking more for myself rather than constantly making too much time for others. Instead of being so reliant on socializing with others just to escape all these depressing thoughts, I need to be more focused on what I need to do with my own life for once. I’ve always felt like I’ve reached my peak when it comes to maturing, but that’s where I’m completely wrong. I guess things really do happen for a reason, all these events constantly make me realize on what I’ve been missing to develop and go further. Something in my gut is finally telling me “Move on! Stop constantly thinking about what you don’t have and start working for the things you want to have.” Maybe it’s time to make myself busy, it’s time to make some changes and grow even more… I want to set and accomplish goals for myself. I can’t let my own mind or parents restrict me from anything to move forward. I also need to remind myself that my friends are there for me; not every single time I need them, but there to constantly remember that I matter as a person. As of now, I will start putting more effort into my studies and as well as finding a job to keep myself occupied. It’s about time that I start acting like an adult to survive as an adult. Once again, I hope you all understand my situation that I’m in; especially to the people I’m closest to, you all know who you are. It has nothing to do with me distancing myself from you guys, but instead making time for myself to think and decide on what I want to do with life before it’s too late — as much as I don’t like to say it, I love you guys and I’m thankful to have all of you, I definitely am.